I am frustrated. I am stressed. I am even a little angry. Some may be quick to say that I'm being too hard on myself, but you must realize that I pride myself on being the "prefect" parent, even though there is no such thing.
Owen is teething. Majorly. I'm fully expecting 17 teeth to pop through in the next day. Because of this, he wants to be comforted. And to be comforted, he wants to nurse. A lot. I don't mind the nursing part, but when I look at the clock and see it's 10:20 and I know I started nursing him before 9:30, I get frustrated. "I'm done!" I want to say to him, although he doesn't know what I'm talking about. I unlatch him, he cries hysterical like I'm cutting off his arm or something. I latch him back on, he falls asleep. I unlatch him, cries hysterical again. The cycle continues.
I was at my wit's end last night. I'm stressed already because of the following: We are trying to sell our house. No one wants to buy a house right now. Paperwork for foreclosure is being started. 7 year bad mark on credit report. No house. We are slowly making the transition to have me stay home with Owen, and I'm mad that it's not happening as quickly as I want it to. I hate that Owen is in daycare. I hate that someone else is raising my child for me. I hate that this other person gets to have fun with Owen and laugh with him, while I get him during sleepy time and cranky time. I feel guilty for even sending him to daycare and hate going to work each day. I would say I am close to tears each day leaving the house. Some days I do cry. It's so hard for me.
Last night, after the hour long marathon nursing session, I finally get him to sleep. I have a huge headache by this time and am contemplating committing myself because I'm so stressed. If famous people can take a personal hiatus, why can't an overworked mom? After my lavendar bubble bath and 2 Motrin, I go into the bedroom. Owen is sprawled out like an X on my side of the bed. Sean is snoring. I get a blanket and curl up at the end of our bed with Brody, our cat. An hour later, Owen wakes up to nurse. 2 hours later, he wants to nurse again. 40 minutes later, my alarm goes off. Swell. Another night of no sleep.
I sometimes feel it would be so much easier if I just didn't care. How easy would it be to just let him cry it out? Or to give him a bottle? Or just let daycare feed him canned spaghetti o's? I could never do these things though. These are my main reasons for wanting to stay home with Owen. He should never have to cry it out. He is crying for a reason! And bottles are full of crap. And why is America overweight? Sure, it's not fully to be blamed on canned Spaghetti 's, but it's a contributing factor. I want him to have organic, natural, pure, fresh food.
So, in my darkest hour, I look at my angel, sleeping with this little smile on his face. And I realize that all of my anger and frustration isn't because of OWEN. I realize it's me that needs to change. And, it's not Owen I'm mad at. It's more the behavior.
So, where to go from here? Have a good cry. Feel sorry for myself. Suck it up, and know that shortly, I will be home with my son, and this will all fall by the wayside. Not to be forgotten, but to be a reminder of how wonderful of a child I'm raising.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
1972 VW Super Beetle!!
As a surprise for Sean, I am going to buy him a car. Granted, the car is older than we are, but this is the kind he loves.
When I moved to New Orleans in 1999 to live with him, we were dirt poor. So, who isn't dirt poor when you first start out? We were eating the store brand of Top Ramen. And I don't even like Top Ramen. Anyways, I was making $5 an hour and offshore work was slow. Rent was due, bills were due and we had no money. So that I could stay there with him, Sean offered to sell his beloved 72 VW Bug. Sean loved this car...as in, LOVED with a big heart around the word. Once, when we were dating, I was in Huntington Beach visiting him. While at a stop sign, Sean turned down the radio, told me to be quiet, and listened intently for a few seconds. He put the car in neutral, pulled the emergency brake, and jumped out of the car. He opened up the back of the car, fiddled around a few seconds, and came back in the car. He then proceeded to show me a leaf. Apparently, he heard the rattling from a LEAF in his engine and it was driving him crazy. That's love.
So, this loved car, the one that Sean and his dad spent hours building and rebuilding and fixing and restoring, is the very car that Sean sold for me. We both cried when the new owner drove it away.
Almost 10 years later, we are now in a position where we can afford to get him another car. I did tons of research online and found THE PERFECT CAR. I contacted the owner, asked lots of questions, and made a deal. This Saturday, we are driving 3 hours south to look at the car. When we make the final payment, we will then be the proud owners of a beautiful, blue 1972 Super Beetle. I know Sean is still in shock, but I don't think he realizes how much it meant to me that he sold the car...for me. I love you, Buddy. Thank you for everything.
When I moved to New Orleans in 1999 to live with him, we were dirt poor. So, who isn't dirt poor when you first start out? We were eating the store brand of Top Ramen. And I don't even like Top Ramen. Anyways, I was making $5 an hour and offshore work was slow. Rent was due, bills were due and we had no money. So that I could stay there with him, Sean offered to sell his beloved 72 VW Bug. Sean loved this car...as in, LOVED with a big heart around the word. Once, when we were dating, I was in Huntington Beach visiting him. While at a stop sign, Sean turned down the radio, told me to be quiet, and listened intently for a few seconds. He put the car in neutral, pulled the emergency brake, and jumped out of the car. He opened up the back of the car, fiddled around a few seconds, and came back in the car. He then proceeded to show me a leaf. Apparently, he heard the rattling from a LEAF in his engine and it was driving him crazy. That's love.
So, this loved car, the one that Sean and his dad spent hours building and rebuilding and fixing and restoring, is the very car that Sean sold for me. We both cried when the new owner drove it away.
Almost 10 years later, we are now in a position where we can afford to get him another car. I did tons of research online and found THE PERFECT CAR. I contacted the owner, asked lots of questions, and made a deal. This Saturday, we are driving 3 hours south to look at the car. When we make the final payment, we will then be the proud owners of a beautiful, blue 1972 Super Beetle. I know Sean is still in shock, but I don't think he realizes how much it meant to me that he sold the car...for me. I love you, Buddy. Thank you for everything.
Friday, July 18, 2008
My Mom
It always makes me sad when I hear stories of people who, after 10 years of not speaking, are just "reconnecting" with their mom. For me, that's something I can't even fathom. I don't think there has been a time when I haven't talked to my mom at least once a day, usually more than that. I actually want to be just like my mom. Super strong, this woman can do anything! Raise 3 crazy girls on her own, homeschool us, make our baby food when we were younger, grow a garden AND make her own pesticides, was a La Leche League Leader for years, stayed at home to raise us, then taught at the school we were going to. I always knew that my mom was a great friend, but after I had my son and became a mother myself, it was then that I really realized how influential my mom has become to me. I strive to be like her. I am reading the same books that she read while raising us. I am questioning authority and my pediatrician. I am a breastfeeding snob. I sing the same songs to Owen that she sang to us. I want to live the life that my mom wanted us to have when she raised us. (Yes, overly emotional me is shedding a few tears as I write this.)
I can't imagine not having my mom around. I've already talked to her twice this morning, and sent her an email. It's only 8:30.
How do you repay a woman who has molded your perfect life into what it's become? How do you say thank you to the one person who taught you to breastfeed? How do you say thank you to the woman who stood by you in the delivery room (all 22 hours of it), cut the umbilical cord of your first born, and then proceeded to tell you everything was going to be okay on DAY 4, when you're a hormonal, emotional, engorged mess?
Thank you, Mom. For everything you have done and for everything you will continue to do. I love you.
I can't imagine not having my mom around. I've already talked to her twice this morning, and sent her an email. It's only 8:30.
How do you repay a woman who has molded your perfect life into what it's become? How do you say thank you to the one person who taught you to breastfeed? How do you say thank you to the woman who stood by you in the delivery room (all 22 hours of it), cut the umbilical cord of your first born, and then proceeded to tell you everything was going to be okay on DAY 4, when you're a hormonal, emotional, engorged mess?
Thank you, Mom. For everything you have done and for everything you will continue to do. I love you.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
107 Things About Me
You probably don't care, but I'm going to tell you anyways!
1. I was born in Ardmore, Oklahoma.
2. My parents got divorced in July of 1994.
3. We moved to California in December of 1994.
4. I am the oldest of 3 girls. Taylor and Kat are my sisters names. We are all 3 years apart, except Kat and I are 6 years apart.
5. I met my hubby in a chatroom on AOL in 1997.
6. We met in "real-life" on February 28, 1998, and got married April 17, 2004.
7. We have one son, Owen, born April 21, 2007.
8. I want one more kid...okay, maybe 2.
9. I am a breastfeeding snob. I think formula is crap.
10. Owen is still nursing and I believe in child-led weaning.
11. We co-sleep. Owen has never slept in his crib. Ever.
12. We no longer vaccinate Owen. To us, the benefits don't outweigh the risks.
13. We wear Owen everywhere we go. I love my ERGO carrier.
14. Owen has never had formula or jarred baby food. I made all his baby food when he was younger. Now he eats whatever we're having for dinner.
15. I love a good hug. Or two.
16. My hubby is my BFF.
17. I am still trying to figure out who I am.
18. I'm overly emotional.
19. I cry a lot. My eyes tear up at a love story and I try to hide it with a fake sneeze.
20. I secretly wish I was left handed.
21. My sister, Taylor, is left handed and I'm jealous.
22. I wish I could wear fancier clothes like my sisters do and pull it off.
23. I love flip flops.
24. I love wearing my hair in a ponytail.
25. My mom and I have the dream of opening our own bakery one day.
26. My hubby & I have the goal for my to be a SAHM by December.
27. I give too much information out on a regular basis.
28. I love re-living my childbirth experience and talk about it too much.
29. My sister and I have literally talked for HOURS about giving birth to Owen (mine) and Bennett (hers).
30. Our two boys are 4 months minus 2 days apart.
31. My sisters and I make up works...and use them on a regular basis in public. Bo-Bo, NuNu, Flowery, Eleventeen.
32. My mom is my mentor and hero. I want to be just like her.
33. I drive a 2004 black Saturn Vue named Matilda.
34. She is my "dream" car.
35. I sing. A lot. I put everything into song and am excited when I can respond to a question with a line of a song.
36. I sing a lot of Beatles songs.
37. I hate lipstick. It feels like Crisco on my lips.
38. I love good hair products. I'm also a snob about that.
39. People tell me I'm funny, but I don't think I am.
40. We have a 15 pound, Maine Coon cat named Brody.
41. Owen weighs only 5 pounds more than Brody.
42. I am looking into homeschooling Owen.
43. I go to my chiropractor weekly.
44. Owen goes, too.
45. I love when Sean rubs my back.
46. I hate when he rubs my back while watching the History Channel. It's a 2 minute "pat."
47. I love all things medical.
48. I used to be a medical assistant in OB/Gyn.
49. In another life, I want to be either a Doula or a Journalist.
50. I love words.
51. Journalism was my favorite class in school.
52. I hate when people use words wrong. (Who's is not the same as whose.)
53. I'm a mama's girl.
54. I talk to my mom a MINIMUM of 3 times a day.
55. I call my stepdad Dodd.
56. I wish I had more time to read.
57. I started gymnastics when I was 9 years old.
58. The next year, I tried out for Team, made it and started competing at Level 5.
59. I quit gymnastics for good at age 16, but went on to coach at a gym in New Orleans.
60. I have scoliosis and 3 vertebrae in my neck that are fused together.
61. I love my chiropractor.
62. I will never enroll any of my kids in gymnastics. Ever.
63. I love sweet iced tea.
64. I love Sonic ice.
65. I'm deathly afraid of balloons.
66. I'm equally as afraid of rubber bands and loud noises.
67. I have a love/hate relationship with my breast pump. I LOVE my Medela Pump in Style. I HATE being hooked up to a machine when I could nurse Owen in half the time.
68. I didn't go to college.
69. On a high school education, I'm making $28 an hour.
70. I think I have bird legs.
71. I think I'm too skinny.
72. My Gram has the best costume jewelry ever.
73. My Gram calls my Sugarfoot.
74. She is the coolest 85 year old I know.
75. My PaPa died my senior year of high school.
76. One time, Kat brushed her teeth with Papa's denture cream.
77. I am allergic to bleach.
78. I wash all of our clothes with Dreft baby detergent.
79. Most soaps/laundry detergents/perfumes give me a rash.
80. I am a worry wart.
81. I'm a major Day Dreamer.
82. I love to make lists.
83. When we are going on vacation, I make a "to-pack" list and divide it into categories: pants, shirts, toiletries, other.
84. I love road trips, but only if I am driving.
85. I get really car sick. And airplane sick.
86. Dramamine seldom helps me.
87. You can't take it while breastfeeding anyways.
88. Wearing sunglasses gives me a headache.
89. I love Celebrity Gossip.
90. I actually pride myself on being up to date with Hollywood. How shallow of me.
91. Flying cockroaches scare me to death.
92. I have actually called the Security Guard at our old apartment in New Orleans at 11pm to come kill a roach.
93. I have never smoked in my life.
94. Embarassingly enough, I love the smell when someone first lights up a cigarrette.
95. I'm afraid to put my head under water.
96. Crazy, since Sean was a Commercial Diver.
97. I once got to dive in my mother in law's swimming pool wearing Sean's dive hat.
98. I talk to myself.
99. I'm totally in love with Patrick Swayze.
100. I had trouble getting pregnant with Owen and we had to use fertility drugs.
101. I hated putting fake hormones into my body.
102. I'm waiting on a call back from my doctor to get my IUD removed. (Funny note: As I was typing this, my doctor called. Wish me luck at 3:10 this afternoon!)
103. Mistake: Having an IUD put in.
104. I love the smell of Owen after his bath.
105. I love Owen's open mouth kisses.
106. I have been with Sean for over 10 years now.
107. I'm sad this list doesn't have much order to it. I'm fighting the urge to go back and put it in some sort of order.
So, there you have it!
Owen was really cranky last night. He is really teething now, so we gave him some ice and some Tylenol. That seemed to help, but he had a rough night, as did Mom and Dad. I guess I should get some work done, so I'll close for now. Until later...
1. I was born in Ardmore, Oklahoma.
2. My parents got divorced in July of 1994.
3. We moved to California in December of 1994.
4. I am the oldest of 3 girls. Taylor and Kat are my sisters names. We are all 3 years apart, except Kat and I are 6 years apart.
5. I met my hubby in a chatroom on AOL in 1997.
6. We met in "real-life" on February 28, 1998, and got married April 17, 2004.
7. We have one son, Owen, born April 21, 2007.
8. I want one more kid...okay, maybe 2.
9. I am a breastfeeding snob. I think formula is crap.
10. Owen is still nursing and I believe in child-led weaning.
11. We co-sleep. Owen has never slept in his crib. Ever.
12. We no longer vaccinate Owen. To us, the benefits don't outweigh the risks.
13. We wear Owen everywhere we go. I love my ERGO carrier.
14. Owen has never had formula or jarred baby food. I made all his baby food when he was younger. Now he eats whatever we're having for dinner.
15. I love a good hug. Or two.
16. My hubby is my BFF.
17. I am still trying to figure out who I am.
18. I'm overly emotional.
19. I cry a lot. My eyes tear up at a love story and I try to hide it with a fake sneeze.
20. I secretly wish I was left handed.
21. My sister, Taylor, is left handed and I'm jealous.
22. I wish I could wear fancier clothes like my sisters do and pull it off.
23. I love flip flops.
24. I love wearing my hair in a ponytail.
25. My mom and I have the dream of opening our own bakery one day.
26. My hubby & I have the goal for my to be a SAHM by December.
27. I give too much information out on a regular basis.
28. I love re-living my childbirth experience and talk about it too much.
29. My sister and I have literally talked for HOURS about giving birth to Owen (mine) and Bennett (hers).
30. Our two boys are 4 months minus 2 days apart.
31. My sisters and I make up works...and use them on a regular basis in public. Bo-Bo, NuNu, Flowery, Eleventeen.
32. My mom is my mentor and hero. I want to be just like her.
33. I drive a 2004 black Saturn Vue named Matilda.
34. She is my "dream" car.
35. I sing. A lot. I put everything into song and am excited when I can respond to a question with a line of a song.
36. I sing a lot of Beatles songs.
37. I hate lipstick. It feels like Crisco on my lips.
38. I love good hair products. I'm also a snob about that.
39. People tell me I'm funny, but I don't think I am.
40. We have a 15 pound, Maine Coon cat named Brody.
41. Owen weighs only 5 pounds more than Brody.
42. I am looking into homeschooling Owen.
43. I go to my chiropractor weekly.
44. Owen goes, too.
45. I love when Sean rubs my back.
46. I hate when he rubs my back while watching the History Channel. It's a 2 minute "pat."
47. I love all things medical.
48. I used to be a medical assistant in OB/Gyn.
49. In another life, I want to be either a Doula or a Journalist.
50. I love words.
51. Journalism was my favorite class in school.
52. I hate when people use words wrong. (Who's is not the same as whose.)
53. I'm a mama's girl.
54. I talk to my mom a MINIMUM of 3 times a day.
55. I call my stepdad Dodd.
56. I wish I had more time to read.
57. I started gymnastics when I was 9 years old.
58. The next year, I tried out for Team, made it and started competing at Level 5.
59. I quit gymnastics for good at age 16, but went on to coach at a gym in New Orleans.
60. I have scoliosis and 3 vertebrae in my neck that are fused together.
61. I love my chiropractor.
62. I will never enroll any of my kids in gymnastics. Ever.
63. I love sweet iced tea.
64. I love Sonic ice.
65. I'm deathly afraid of balloons.
66. I'm equally as afraid of rubber bands and loud noises.
67. I have a love/hate relationship with my breast pump. I LOVE my Medela Pump in Style. I HATE being hooked up to a machine when I could nurse Owen in half the time.
68. I didn't go to college.
69. On a high school education, I'm making $28 an hour.
70. I think I have bird legs.
71. I think I'm too skinny.
72. My Gram has the best costume jewelry ever.
73. My Gram calls my Sugarfoot.
74. She is the coolest 85 year old I know.
75. My PaPa died my senior year of high school.
76. One time, Kat brushed her teeth with Papa's denture cream.
77. I am allergic to bleach.
78. I wash all of our clothes with Dreft baby detergent.
79. Most soaps/laundry detergents/perfumes give me a rash.
80. I am a worry wart.
81. I'm a major Day Dreamer.
82. I love to make lists.
83. When we are going on vacation, I make a "to-pack" list and divide it into categories: pants, shirts, toiletries, other.
84. I love road trips, but only if I am driving.
85. I get really car sick. And airplane sick.
86. Dramamine seldom helps me.
87. You can't take it while breastfeeding anyways.
88. Wearing sunglasses gives me a headache.
89. I love Celebrity Gossip.
90. I actually pride myself on being up to date with Hollywood. How shallow of me.
91. Flying cockroaches scare me to death.
92. I have actually called the Security Guard at our old apartment in New Orleans at 11pm to come kill a roach.
93. I have never smoked in my life.
94. Embarassingly enough, I love the smell when someone first lights up a cigarrette.
95. I'm afraid to put my head under water.
96. Crazy, since Sean was a Commercial Diver.
97. I once got to dive in my mother in law's swimming pool wearing Sean's dive hat.
98. I talk to myself.
99. I'm totally in love with Patrick Swayze.
100. I had trouble getting pregnant with Owen and we had to use fertility drugs.
101. I hated putting fake hormones into my body.
102. I'm waiting on a call back from my doctor to get my IUD removed. (Funny note: As I was typing this, my doctor called. Wish me luck at 3:10 this afternoon!)
103. Mistake: Having an IUD put in.
104. I love the smell of Owen after his bath.
105. I love Owen's open mouth kisses.
106. I have been with Sean for over 10 years now.
107. I'm sad this list doesn't have much order to it. I'm fighting the urge to go back and put it in some sort of order.
So, there you have it!
Owen was really cranky last night. He is really teething now, so we gave him some ice and some Tylenol. That seemed to help, but he had a rough night, as did Mom and Dad. I guess I should get some work done, so I'll close for now. Until later...
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Seeing as this is my first blog, and that sometimes I really don't care what people have to say about me, I'm actually somewhat surprised at how nervous I am. (I hope I sound smart. I hope I don't use a word in the wrong context. I hope I say intellegent things.) As I write this, my darling little boy, Owen, is asleep next to me on the couch. His feet are propped up on my side and he's snoring just the tiniest bit. I'm so happy that he is sleeping. The past few nights have been rough. He'll either fall asleep and be up all night, or he'll have the hardest time getting to sleep, but then sleep soundly. Both of the scenarios keep me up endless hours. Owen is still co-sleeping with us, so if he's up, the whole family is up. Co-sleeping has actually been a blessing to our family. Since I'm still nursing Owen, it's so easy just to roll over and nurse him and we can both fall back asleep. And, I sleep so much better knowing he's right next to me. One may be surprised at the amount of comments (positive and negative) when I share that we're co-sleeping and STILL nursing. People either look at us like we have completely lost our minds and that we're ruining our child (ha!) or they say we're doing a great job, but they could never do it. Either way, I love our arrangement!
I'm actually worried this blog is getting to be too long...or too boring. Hmm. With that, I'll end. Owen is starting to roll around, so I'll see if he can get a few more minutes of sleep...and me a few more minutes of peace before sounds of little feet chasing our cat fill the house. Until later...
I'm actually worried this blog is getting to be too long...or too boring. Hmm. With that, I'll end. Owen is starting to roll around, so I'll see if he can get a few more minutes of sleep...and me a few more minutes of peace before sounds of little feet chasing our cat fill the house. Until later...
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